she said that i need to talk

[br4inl3ss]

hello.

well. i had a meeting with a psychosocial worker and she said i shiould go wide open and talk, that it will help ease the pain.

and i know there is alot of very nice people here (and this my firends is becoming rarer everyday), so here i go.

i warn you right now that i have ADHD so forget about a decent structure. too much to say and ill forget way too much information.

so... back when i was at school all i did in class was going hella deep in my tought. impossible to learn anything. oh wait no thats false. i learned something in classeroom. i learned that i HATE bein in group. i just cant stand it i feel weird.

i tried to learn the basic of mathematics like the famous BODMAS. thats easy to understand. but 15 mintue after i have to relearn it. constantly.
im my mind its like "B stands for Brackets, so that means hey why does RGB change color only according to voltage ? oh shit ok back to B. so that means i have to do this first else the end result will be off. ok next is O and it stands for Ord...wait a minute he said 4 stroke must run way richer at idle than 2 stroke but it wont even idle right if its richer so what the  oh fuck again the Order means...." and so on.... CONSTANTLY. it rarely stop.

yeah you got it, its impossible to learn anything like that. so i left school in early middle school.

time goes by and i was done doing absolutly nothing all day long.

so i joined a project from gouvernment that help young people to get in the job market.

this job was a mix of landscaping on good weather and learning good thing and help to get back on real jobs.

i was in love with that job. but i lost it.

the job site was far away from the shed and we had a gator and a quad to get there and work. at least 25 minute to get there.

at least 2 time a day, when i was 75-90% of the way, i had to go back to the shed talk to the boss because i fucking forgot what i had to do.

be honnest, do you know any boss that will either hire or keep employee like that ? i dont. and ill be honenst, i wont either.

imagine.. at least twice a day, at least 3 days a week, for 5 months. no. just NO. i would fire myself. i understand them perfectly.

i saw a doctor because i tought it was a memory problem, he said its nothing i'm young it will fit itself. yup. he really said that.

saw another doctor, passed scans... my memory is fine. its really good in fact.

saw another doctor.... he had no idea why i was like that.

so i entered a "special"school. impossible to learn anything here either, but this school offered alot of work internship.

good option for me. or at least a good start.

so i made my decision and it was a mechanic garage.

i really enjoyed that. the boss didnt. kept forgettign everything.

my job was accomplished like twice every 10 job.....

ofcourse you guessed it, i got fired.

fell down and cried right on the garage floor.

i liked that so much... and i knew i wasnt allowed to do that either.

talked with the school and they said to try something else it will be fine.

so i tried small engine mechanic. same shit. but the owner also wanted me to put the old broken gasket and still charge it ( sadly now i know most mechanics do that). no way ill handle such scams. sorry but no.

i quit this one myself.

talked to the school again, they knew how much i loved to play with engine... and they had a place in truck mechanic. peterbilt kenworth volvo inter and you got it.

the boss was such a good person. faith restored. he didnt give a fuck telling me what i had to do every fucking hour. but another employee died and he couldnt afford the time to handle me anymore. it was just impossible else his business would close.

i was so done of that shit i didnt even go to the school anymore. when the school call me i just answer and end the call instantly. fuck them fuck everything.

time goes by.... doing nothing at all.

found a job at a hardware store... i was able to work there for one month. then fired.

i couldnt take it anymore. i mean i'm a strong person, but even the strongest man will find a stronger man one day. i became very weak.

i'm 37 and didnt had a job since i'm 22. i'm just done.

about 2 years ago the ADHD thing spawned from nowhere. everyone suddently became ADHD. i didnt know i was ADHD. tob e honnest i didnt know its existence before and iw as like "there we go awain the world go crazy about that now". you know as the human always do.. that start shit out of nowhere and most of them are NOT. they just want viewers.

so anyway. i started to notice i have exactly the same symptoms as the real people that have ADHD.

so i started to spend my alot-of-free-time searching on the subject.

so after 2 full month i went ahead and tried to see a doctor for this shit.

in total i saw about 13 doctors for that....

i spent the money i had saved to go see all those retarded doctors.... thats about 1500$.

first doctor said adhd isnt even a thing.

second doctor said he dont even touch that.

next doctor said there was no fix for adhd so doing a test is pointless.

next doctor said i need to see a psy.

only bullshit that make no asense.

i dont remember what other doctor says so ima skip them.

i was so fucking done and i knew i was a real danger on the road... and no one wanted to help s i cancelled all my driving license, sold my lovely heavily modified 1999 dakota. also ptu the 2020 ScootTerre Bistro 50 fairing rebuild project on the side. i was about tu put it FREE on marketplace. but i rushed so hard to get a working scooter.....

so 2 month ago i talked to a psy on the phone and he said it was a terrible and unacceptable experience.

he cannot take me as a client he is already over his limit.

but he told me to fill the FOCUS clinic papers as they're made for that. it should replace the need to consult a psy.

so i took a rendez vous with another doctor once again. this one agreed this was actually ADHD, but he dont touch this.

called some clinic, they couldnt believe this. they called me back telling me to call next week again so i can get a rendez vous.

it didnt go well, they had water infiltration.

so i went somewhere else and got a rendez vous.

Megane Desbiens is her name. what a retarded bitch.

if i was a girl id punch her till her face is filled with blood.

no i would never do that but it was in my toughts.

this bitch read the papers, asked over 40 questions related to adhd. after 20 minutes she said yeah you have ADHD no doubt.

she asked why i didnt see a doctor for that before... wo it took me 45 minute to tell her the whole story.

she thend ecided that i maybe have ADHD, but it can also be anxiety.

she said to take the meds and if it doesnt work then whe will give adhd meds (they hate giving those meds because its literally emphetamin)

i shut my mouth off and accepted her meds. because you know, it will be my fault if i refuse. but i knew it wasnt anxiety.

i did severe anxiety in the past and its not even close to that.

so i took her useless meds for 6 weeks. 2 week after thsi rendez vous the clinic called me back for another rendez vous as a follow up.
4 weeks after i went to this rendez vous.

second rendez vous she asked uestions on meds effects. she cancelled meds right away and said okay its clearly not anxiety. i said yeah i know and i told you.... she didnt know what to say she realized the shit she did. but afetr a long 2 minutes silence (i was giving this bitch a chance), she said, word by word, "but why are you here now" like she didnt give the second rendez vous... i was like  you scheduled a rendez vous so see if the meds worked?. she said yeah so ? i had to tell her her own words that she would give proper ADHD emds is anxiety pills didnt work. she then said uhhhhmmmmmmm okay i see. but i dont know what you want me to do right now ? it got on my nerve...... i started yelling. i said you said you would give me proper meds if he crap you ave me dont work so do your fucking job is it too hard ?

after another silence, she said listen i wont give you ADHD meds because you have no job you arent studying and you have no occupation.

the only thing i could say that is not insulting her retarded bitch life to death was "are you fucking serious"

my words, word by word, was " ok shutut. i give you 10 minutes to tell my the name of employer that will hire or keep people like me".

she was like "uhmmmm. uhmmm. okay uhmmmm. just uhmmmm. i i i uhmmmm" for 5 minute non stop.

i then said ok i'm done. i dont know at what school you went but you are fucking retarded go see a psy and FAST.

this bitch really grinded my gears like it never happened before. never even been close to that.

on my way back home i called my pharmacist and she couldnt believe it.

she said i must report that to the "college des medecins du québec".

i called but its PITA and in my actual state its impossible.

and anyway i had seen people reportign similar extem issue with doctors in the past and things NEVER change. so fuck that.

i dont have the energy to do that.

i called another pharmacist, he didnt know what to say else than report it and try to see a a doctor with a brain (his own words not mine).

this pharmacist told me to call ADHD Plus.

i called them, waste of time. they are ADHD specialist, but the only power the have is zoom meeting and recommend to take thier brand of omega-3 softgels.

i accepted thier useless zoom meeting and yeah i was right, waste of time.

it was only to give tricks(which i already tried many times) and insist of buying thier shit.

the tricks they give is to use post-it, put alarm on phone, and constantly take note.
the post-it is the first thing i tried. i needed so much of them my while glass gaming computer case wasnt anymore. it was filled with post-it.

even put all around my monitor. I M P O S S I B L E to handle that. i had so much post-it to remember what i had o do that i forgot most of them.

completly useless, i trashed them all without even looking (i was in a rage state also with all thier nosense shit).

useless trick.

then tried to put alarm...... HELL NO WAY. phone alarm ringing every fucking 5 minute or so. lol no ? just no ?

i'm not alone here and i dont handle it so imagine other people..... cancelled that too. didnt work anyway because i start a thing then it ring, then it ring for something else so i forget what i was doing. ended up doing like 7 things at the same time.

i took note on a physical notepad.... i kept forgettign it. example i was doing grocery, i search for a product. iafter 5 minute i forget what i was searching for so i check the notepad. in less than 2 second i switch to another aliment for no damn reason. and so on. going so far in my toughts that i constantly forget everything. you're gonna laught, but i allow you to because i laught to death each time i remember this, i fucking lost the damn notepad.

found it 3 days ago (even tho i stopped using this trick because it didnt work either) on top of the air compressor engine in the garage.

this is what happen all day everyday. keep losing my stuff for no reason. i'm too far in my toughts.

want more ? k. at least 3 time a day i go to the kitchen getting something to drink... when i reach the refrigirator, i forgot what the hell i was doing here.

want more ? k. last week i was rebuilding the 139qmb i bought at a scrapyard. it was in PERFECT shape, but i forgot to protect the intake from dust and sands (sandblasting cabinet nearby). and i would have to wait months for gaskets, and since i'm not allowed for shit to work,. very tight budget so forget a real gasket sheet. so i use cereal cardboard box (this truck is used for ages and i also used it for years and its perfect). i forgot the oil pump passage..... engine top end destroyed because of no oil.

want more? k. i play GTA Online and start a mission. the mission is to drive a drunk vip client of my nightclube to his house but we cannot go fast else it will be affraid and then mission failed. so right when it spawn me in the car outside, 2 seconda fter the afraid bar is already 1/2 filled because i already forgot i have to go slow. so i go slow and tis fine for maybe 1 km. then im going far in my tought, mission failed i was already going full speed.

i put GPS poin, i constantly go over and dont pay attention to it. and so on.

cant work, cant game, cant whatever.

i'm so done yeah.....

even the psychosocial worker i'm seeing once a week right now is calling the last doctor to see that the fuck is wrong with her. and also to see if she accept to do her job, as promized, and give me adhd pills sicne this project is actually a job for people having a hard time gettign a job and with mental health issue like adhd.

as you see and as she said, i'm really trying. she said im trying way more than anyone she met in her job.yeah i'm a strong man but i have my limit.

duno what ill do if this doesnt work.

oh i forgot... i also have two plantar fasciitis. i have shoe inserts but they dont always work i have a rendez vous on the way to check that, but also another reason i cannot work. ill try to get this magic called cortisone (had a shot in my shoulder, its nothing but MAGIC).

and its complicated.. i cant stand still for moe than 40-60 seconds, i cant sit for over an hour, i cant walk as fast as normal people do, i cant walk for more than 5 minute without taking a 30 minute pause.... nothing to help my situation lol.

literally i cant move. so i'm taking weight. always been slim before. i could even eat fastfood 2 time a day for weeks non stop and never gained any weight doing so for years. but stopped smoking (most peopel dont know but smoking cigarette is very good to keep weight stable no matter how much you over-eat). and then 3-4 months after i quit smoking this damn plantar fasciitis appeared. always had this but never had untolerable pain before.

anyway. feels good to talk and share this shit.

also now, people that know me from my 48576203458626713428 issue with my mechanical horror (2009 maverick viron), now you know why i'm always low on budget.

EDIT:

took me about 4h to write this.......... type, erease, think about everything and nothing, start over. again and again.

[pili]

I have a long building theory that the prevalence of today's social media lends to isolation, which lends to ADHD. I think it's more common now than ever. When a person is inside their own head a large percentage of the time, things get jumbled.
You have a gift for communication; your writing style reminds me of JD Salinger, specifically Catcher in the Rye.
Don't feel alone, you're not.

[aeroxbud]

That is terrible how some medical professionals have treated you. I understand that you may not be the easiest patient to deal with. But you would expect more from the medical profession.
You have probably always suffered with this condition, or at least had traits of it. It seems unbelievable that you were not diagnosed earlier.
My grandson has traits of autism and ADHD. So I know how frustrating it can be at times.
Is there not a support group for your condition that can help you? At least share knowledge of things to help and support you?

[br4inl3ss]

yes there is the ARC-EN-CIEL (rainbow) that try thier best to help me out.
they dont have much power tho...
the psychosocial worker i was talking about is from ARC-EN-CIEL.
she called the doctor to try to understand her terrible behavor and also if she accept to give me what i need since i'm trying to get back to work from gouvernment projects.
ofcourse with my luck the doctor wasnt there this week. we gotta wait next week. if she even answer the psychosocial worker.


one of those project is CULTIVE TON AVENIR (grow your future ??). its a part of a field we grow things there and we're paid for it, but its made for people hacing a hard time finding a job. so they go pretty easy on worker. aint gonna get fired because i forget something, unlike a real job. its paid under the minimum salary, but hey its way better than nothing.
the experience and help is the real pay. so i cross fingers to see if im accepted... ill know monday. they usually accept people from 18 to 35 and i'm 37. but they often do such exception in some case. that doesnt worry me much i have good chance... but with my plantar fascitis............................... and one wasnt enought i have two.......... anyway i gotta try.

if i get it, then maybe a week later i can try so see another doctor if the other one refuse... having a job will probably push them to give me what i need.....

[jbjhillbilly]

As someone who suffered from undiagnosed adhd for decades, I absolutely feel for you. And there is zero excuse for how you were treated by medical professionals. ZERO.

The thing about ADHD is how many other things it affects; it makes things hard to remember, which leads to huge piles of tasks to pile up, missed appointments, etc.

That leads to anxiety to build up. And build it will, to the point that it buries you and you become depressed. They’ve found that depression can make it so the brain is unable to make new memories as effectively as those without depression (notice how you can’t recall what someone said to you in a conversation?).

Your depression becomes bad enough that your relationships suffer, or outright fail. You might even stop trying to make new friends or deal with people at all because every time you do it’s a disaster. So you become more isolated, which deepens the depression, often to the point that you can’t recognize it anymore for the corrosive force it is. The anger and frustration that others perceive from us is invisible to the mirror. It becomes normalized.

ADHD meds and anti-depressants changed my life. Micro-dosing maybe more so that the anti-depressants. Too late for some of the relationships I had, but I can’t blame ADHD for everything, I had a hand in it too. Therapy helped me reshape how I approached life. Changing careers made an impact so large that I’m ashamed I didn’t do it sooner (ADHD folks tend to be stubborn, and have a “if I only work a harder I can fix it” mentality).

The medicine won’t fix everything. It will help make space in your brain and emotions to learn new ways of living. It’s a ton of work, but luckily you have a lot of energy! Exercise and sleep hygiene are a big, big deal, as they both help to lessen anxiety.

And there’s plenty of good things from your ADHD to harness. Creativity can flow once you learn how to tap into it. We’re excellent at problem solving (but often rubbish at letting other ideas in).

You CAN do this. Don’t give up, and don’t burn the people trying to help. Stay in the fight!

[br4inl3ss]

ok so update.
i got the job i'm in the project !

ive got some news the psychosocial worker.
the doctor called her back.
she now would accept to give me the meds but she CANT. apparently.
but its been confirmed later dotay she didnt lie this time she really cant.
its just because of the way GAP works (the thing we need to use to meet a random dorcor when we dont have family doctor).
the law is clear there (and thats rare lol), to give adhd meds it MSST be followed by 2 meeting. thing is she is not allowed to give two rendez-vous. so yeah she cannot.

but the psychosocial worker said she would try and see how it goes, sicne in this project i aint gonne be fired because i keep forgetting everything as a normal job. if it doesnt go well she will see what options are there. else i justkeep going.
i said yeah i'm ok with that ill try, but this shit doesnt affect me only at the job, its all day long. i often cant sleep because i cant stop thinking about random stuff. she said she understand but we gotta try that first.

anyay just the fact that i got it is a fucking good news.

its 8:30 to 15:15, monday to thurday. free friday yey.
honnestly id prefer full week but we gotta start somewhere.
salary is low, but its not that important. well it is but all the rest is 100 time more important.
its 370$ CAD a week. thats 305.85 USD, 343.45 Euro.

[aeroxbud]

That's great news mate. I really hope it works out well for you.
Hopefully that's at least one thing less to worry about.

[br4inl3ss]

May 4, 2024 4:06:37 GMT -5 aeroxbud said:

That's great news mate. I really hope it works out well for you.
Hopefully that's at least one thing less to worry about.

thanks

now the only thing that worry me enought is my damn plantar fasciitis.

ive got new shoes 3 days ago. they seems to be fine.

first two day i tought they were terrible with my plantar fasciitis inserts, but my foot were already ruined by previous dead shoes.

but since two days, it just hurt a bit but its tolerable.

as long as i dont stand up without moving for more than 5 minute or so, dont walk for over 20 min without pause, or dont sit for over 2 hours, it's tolerable.

hope it stays this way.

[pili]

I fought plantar fasciitis once, and it was definitely from bad shoes. It’s very tough and painful. Stretching exercises really helped.

[br4inl3ss]

yeah for me exercises do nothing but sometime be more powerfull. the doctor told me about that but i didnt beleive him. he was right, it help one person on two.

it is extremly painfull. in my case the pain often goes up to the knee. once i felt with my scooter because i went to get off, put both my foot on the ground, and the left side just stopped working. the whole legg. i had no control whatsoever it was too painfull. like you would insert a big nail right on the heel. and when this happen, my leg just stop working i can fall at anytime.

this nail pain is gone since i have the inserts, but the rest of the pain is still there even tho its better than before.
i have an appointment for this soon. cant wait to see what he's gonna do about that.
honnestly, i hope he is gonna make me get cortisone injections. had that for my shoulder and that shit is the magic shit. i dont give a damn what they say about bones degradation, i want that shit ! i have to live my life............ lol.

[aeroxbud]

I had that a few years ago. It took about a year to heal fully. For a while I never thought it would. So there is hope.

[br4inl3ss]

May 5, 2024 2:27:13 GMT -5 aeroxbud said:

I had that a few years ago. It took about a year to heal fully. For a while I never thought it would. So there is hope.

not sure about hope. i'm on 2 years with those inserts lol.

he warned me tho that its not for everyone and for some patient they need readjusment and for other it just doesnt work properly they need cortisone or the surgery.

[br4inl3ss]

ok here is an update.
first, appointment with the psychosocial worker been delayed. i did not aask why.
for now on, after a week, i can handle this job !
it feels like burning like 2-3 hours after work but i can handle that.
i feels somethign is wrong while working but its not ehavy pain. so as long as it stays that way, i'm very happy.

been so long i didnt work, and i'm so glad i can now ! not a huge pay but its better than nothing duh.

from 9 to 15 for the 3 first day, then from 9 to 11:45, and free friday.

[aeroxbud]

That must feel good getting back to work. Well done mate. 👍

[jbjhillbilly]

I hated when I was unemployed. Having structure, and a purpose is nothing to sneeze at.